As a special bonus to all the Tekken fans out there we have drawn up our 8v8 team battle teams! You get to see it! Lucky you!
1, Hwoarang – Flexible, Ginger, Korean kickfighter. Excellent at keeping players down (or up) but sadly quite predictable, great for the 1st player to do as much damage as possible. Potentially the stupidest name in video gaming.
2, Bryan Fury – I think he is supposed to be a Welsh zombie or something, he does have nice tattoos and can punch people across the screen which is hilarious. Hit best move is his sweep kick thingy. He looks a little like my brother in law (who is definitely not a Welsh zombie)
3, Wang – Little bearded guy with a name synonymous with cock. Has a great set of special punches which can be strung together for devastating effect. If you manage to finish someone off you can joke about ‘Wanging’ them which is ALWAYS HILARIOUS.
4, Xiaoyu – A Japanese schoolgirl with a pet panda. There are legions of websites dedicated to pulling off moves in such a way you can see her panties. Seriously… the internet is just wrong sometimes.
5, Hehachi – An electrically charged old man with a dodgy haircut. Not sure why but he has always reminded me of early 90’s chancellor of the exchequer Norman Lamont. Maybe it’s the nappy.
6, Lei – Hong Kong cop as seen in every kung fu film ever. I can’t really play him, but Joel can’t play against him so picking him is a no brainer. Spends a lot of time willingly lying on the floor before springing up against all laws of physics.
7, Jin – Emo protagonist who in the story turns into a big purple demon and electrocutes people with his eyes. That character has a pallet swap with an angel – complete with feathery wings. Yes that is as ridiculous as it sounds. Being Hehachi’s grandson he also has the electrically charged powers that seem to run in the family. Annoyingly the only powers that run in my family are male pattern baldness and heavy breathing.
8, Eddy – If I actually get this far down my roster then I am taking a pasting. If I am taking a pasting I will play as Eddy and essentially cheat my way to the end by hammering the kick buttons with my forehead while simultaneously crying at my total lack of self respect. The truly sad thing is that this is an amazing tactic and will probably work.
1, Yoshimitsu – Weird cyborg guy, who I believe was created by Dr. Boskonovitch before he went all dark side on us. Looks weirder and weirder with every iteration of Tekken. In Tekken 6/TTT2 they reassigned the buttons for my favourite move to one where he pointlessly stabs himself at great cost. I don’t really use him now.
2, Bruce – Crazy kickboxer sort with a couple of cracking moves. I have to admit that I know very little of his back story. According to Wikipedia he has an unfortunate history of plane crashes. I just like his little knockout punch thing – it’s quick and blasts your opponent across the screen. Good stuff.
3, Baek – A slightly slower version of Hwoarang with a slight variation on the move set. According to canon, he was Hwoarang’s trainer in Tae Kwon Do. He’s similar enough in play-style to Hwoarang to be an excellent stand-in for any fan of the former. In TTT2, he’s fast becoming my player of choice.
4, Bryan – Best videogame maniacal laugh ever. He’s basically just a double-hard nutbar. He has a variety of super-powerful moves which can be executed easily. There’s complicated back story explaining how he was made immortal by various scientists and yet somehow he is able to be defeated… Not sure how that works really. Clearly I don’t understand the term “immortal.”
5, Lee – I’m pretty sure I am yet to encounter another Tekken player who would choose Lee. I can understand why though – he’s really fast but his moves are complicated, he also comes off as an utter douche in cut scenes/movies. He’s basically an entitled little brat whose daddy doesn’t like him. I’ll still kick your face in with him though.
6, Law – If you’ve seen Kung-Fu Panda, you pretty much know Lee’s back story, give or take random animals. Weird physics defying backflips abound, Law is one of those characters who you either take on a massive streak or gets a massive kicking. It depends on who he’s drawn against – a bit of a gamble this one.
7, Hwoarang – Bendy ginger ninja. I kinda relate to him as he has silly hair, a bad attitude and rides a motorbike. I’m not remarkably bendy though mind you. I think it says something of my level of confidence in this challenge that I have him this far down my roster, but I’ll allow you to draw your own conclusions about that.
8, Paul – He’s always reminded me of “Guile” from the Street Fighter franchise. I think it’s just the silly hair. He’s a bit of a brawler with a handful of decent super moves. To be honest, the only reason he’s here is that he’s a fairly good all-rounder with one of the best power-moves in the game, but I don’t expect a lot of success if Liam’s pounded me this far.